


Death Drinkers

by Lamia of the Dark (VisceraNight)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, Don't Read This, F/M, Heavy Drinking, Humor, Mild Sexual Content, Sexual Humor, Swearing, This Is STUPID, Why Did I Write This?, crack of the highest order
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-30
Updated: 2014-12-30
Packaged: 2018-03-04 08:35:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,228
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3057683
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VisceraNight/pseuds/Lamia%20of%20the%20Dark
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Voldemort invites the Malfoys, the Lestranges, and Greyback over for a game of I Never which descends into drunken chaos.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Death Drinkers

~ Death Drinkers ~

Lucius, Narcissa, Greyback, Bellatrix and Rodolphus gathered nervously outside Voldemort's room. They had no idea what this was about, but being called to their lord's room in the middle of night couldn't possibly lead to anything good. Most likely they were about to be punished for something...

The door flew open and Voldemort called out, "Enter."

They went in and found the Dark Lord sitting cross-legged on the floor with six shot glasses and an impressive selection of hard liquor set before him.

"I thought we'd play a little game... Sit down, all of you."

Bellatrix sat to Voldemort's left, Lucius to his right. Greyback sat directly across from the Dark Lord, between Rodolphus (who was sitting next to his wife) and Narcissa (who was sitting next to her husband).

"Fill your glass with the liquor of your choice," Voldemort instructed. He poured himself a shot and waited for the others to do the same. "The game is called I Never. The rules are simple. We take turns telling something we have never done. Anyone who  _has_  done the thing someone else says, takes a shot. Keep in mind that I will know if you are lying. The object of the game, of course, is to make everyone else reveal secrets about themselves. Or just to make them drink... Another thing, no follow-up questions are allowed. Lucius, you may have the first turn. We will go clockwise around the circle from there."

"I never-" Lucius paused briefly to think. "-failed an exam in school."

For a moment, nothing happened. Then, scowling, Bellatrix lifted her glass and threw back the shot.

Lucius glanced questioningly at Greyback but the werewolf just shrugged. He'd never actually attended school, so of course he'd never failed any exams.

"Narcissa?" Voldemort prompted.

"I never..." Narcissa struggled for something to say and finally settled on: "drank human blood."

Greyback threw back his shot and, to Narcissa's surprise, so did Bellatrix.

As soon as he'd swallowed, Greyback said, "I never cursed anyone during sex."

Voldemort took his first shot, and Bellatrix and Rodolphus both drank as well.

Then it was Rodolphus's turn. "I never... had a sexual fantasy involving a blood relative."

Glaring spitefully at her husband, Bella downed her fourth shot and was surprised to see Narcissa raising her glass as well.

Eyes narrowed thoughtfully, Bellatrix intoned, "I never had a sexual fantasy involving  _Sirius Black_."

Narcissa drank. Surprisingly, so did Greyback.

Everyone turned to look expectantly at Voldemort.

"I never raped anyone."

Greyback, Rodolphus, and Bellatrix drank.

And now they'd gone all the way around and it was back to Lucius.

"I never... have been raped."

Greyback rolled his eyes at the question and threw back a shot. Bellatrix glared at her brother-in-law for a good thirty seconds before taking her drink. She was getting steadily drunker with every question as the game progressed, whereas everyone else had only had one or two shots so far. (Three in Greyback's case.)

Since everyone seemed determined to take the questions in a sexual direction, Narcissa went with: "I never participated in a threesome."

Everyone else drank.

"I never  _watched_  a threesome without taking part in it," Greyback said, looking straight at Narcissa.

She had to admit she'd set herself up for that one. Voldemort also drank, as did Rodolphus and Bellatrix.

Voldemort was starting to wonder if there was anything those two hadn't tried sexually...

"I never killed anyone during sex," Rodolphus said. Voldemort looked at him sharply and Rodolphus quickly added, "On purpose."

Not surprisingly, Greyback, Voldemort, and Bellatrix drank.

"I never had belly button sex," Bellatrix said, somehow managing to keep a straight face.

"What's belly button sex?" Narcissa asked, sounding as if she genuinely did not know.

Voldemort choked on the shot he'd just taken and Lucius reached over to pound him on the back.

Bellatrix gave her sister a patronizing look and said, "Sweetie, trust me, if you don't what it is then you've never had it."

Narcissa started to say something else, but Voldemort cut her off.

"Enough. It is my turn. I never... had sex with a non-human mammal."

Greyback and Rodolphus drank and, for the first time since the start of the game, Bellatrix did not.

Out of curiousity over the phrasing of Voldemort's last statement, Lucius continued the game with: "I never had sex with a reptile."

Voldemort did not drink, but this time Bellatrix did.

Narcissa struggled to think of something she could say that would not force her sister to drink. She couldn't think of one, so she said, "I never cheated."

"Clarify," Voldemort demanded. "Do you mean on a person or on schoolwork?"

"People."

Voldemort and Lucius both drank. Greyback had never had a romantic relationship, so it didn't really apply to him.

Seeing her sister's look of surprise that she wasn't drinking, Bellatrix smirked and said, "It isn't cheating if he knows about it and approves..."

Then it was Greyback's turn. "I never got done with a strap-on."

This time only Rodolphus drank.

"I never had sex with the Dark Lord."

With a sarcastic smirk, Voldemort downed a shot. Next to him, Bellatrix did the same. Reluctantly, Narcissa picked up her glass as well.

"I never..." Bellatrix struggled to get her alcohol-soaked brain to form a coherent thought. "I never... said 'no' to bondage."

Voldemort laughed aloud at her drunken revalation. He'd always  _thought_  she was the type.

Lucius and Narcissa drank. Apparently they have both said "no" to bondage before.

"I never took part in an orgy," Voldemort said.

Greyback drank. Rodolphus reached for his glass, then hesitated and said, "Define orgy."

"Anything higher than a foursome," Voldemort clarified.

Rodolphus didn't drink, but Bellatrix did.

Voldemort looked at her curiously. "Maybe we should stop her. She seems to be too drunk to think straight..."

"Oh, she's not  _quite_  to that point yet," Rodolphus replied with a dismissive gesture. "Just because I wasn't part of the group that time doesn't mean she didn't do it."

They got around the circle once more before all drunken hell broke loose.

Greyback stood up suddenly and ran to a corner of the room where he threw up all the alcohol he'd consumed along with several pounds of half-digested flesh and guts.

Narcissa, who was only mildly tipsy at this point, was so disgusted by the sight of Greyback puking that she could not stop the bile from rising in her own throat... and ending up being sick all over Lucius, who was passed out on the floor after accidently stupefying himself.

On the other side of the circle, Bellatrix was giggling insanely and leaning against Voldemort to keep from falling over. Rodolphus apologized for her behavior, and attempted to rescue the Dark Lord from Bella's drunken clutches, but Voldemort laughed drunkenly and pushed Rodolphus's hands away.

And - to Rodolphus's horror - the Dark Lord pulled Bellatrix into his lap and began to drunkenly grope the giggling witch. Bella was drunk off her ass by this point, and it took her a few tries to get her arms wrapped around Voldemort's neck. Once she'd managed it, she pressed her mouth to his in a sloppy, drunken, tequila-flavored kiss.

Rodolphus sighed and settled in to watch, and hoped like hell that Bella wouldn't remember this in the morning. She was obsessed enough with the Dark Lord already.

~end~


End file.
